Published On: Wed, May 16th, 2012

Five fantasy apps for the summer It’s official

Two dapper gents. One chesterfield sofa. And a shared penchant for ruby red English ales, the odd packet of pork scratching and the finest slice of Neapolitan pizza.

So pull up a chair, pour yourself a tall drink and let’s share the often indecipherable musings of the modern man. 

Appy Days… 


2012 has brought with it the wettest spring since Noah disappeared down to the shed at the bottom of the garden, and emerged days later with a triumphant “ta da!”. Mrs Noah no doubt shook her head wearily and shot him a look that could skin a cactus, but it proved useful later. The ensuing flood was good for garden (and very useful for the veggie patch given the hosepipe ban) so everybody was happy.

But have hope hombres, we’d like to think that we’ve had our fair share of washout summers. It might even be time to fantasise about sweet sunshine embalming the nation for weeks on end, culminating in England beating Germany 9-0 in the Euro finals.

As it is we’re on the sofa once more dodging the rain, and idling towards the half a million apps that have become available on our handheld brains. The iPhone.

It has got us thinking. What truly man-friendly apps could be developed by those bespectacled lab rats at Apple to make our lives complete this summer?

Well in keeping with the biblical references, first up is the Moses for a Day App. Being the patriotic pillars of society that we are, we will be joining Liz in celebration of her 500th year on the throne and sitting on unfeasibly long tables stretching down unfeasibly long streets. Now as we sit there munching on our coronation chicken (which, incidentally, is surely due for a movie style reboot or technological advance – maybe to be renamed Jubilee Chicken 2.0?), the last thing we want is to be blighted by the weather.

The Moses for a Day App will let you part the clouds and ensure sunshine for exactly 74 minutes.

In keeping with the Jubilee theme, the Wasp Z-App could prove most useful for those outdoor summer events; warding off the buzzing menace permanently with a small yet self targeting laser beam.

But we must not forget that summer 2012 means football, whether you like it or not. So imagine if you will the Chill App, which plunges your phone to near liquid nitrogen levels of coolness and acts as a chilled drinks holder for crisp continental beers.

Lastly on the subject of football is the cherry of all cherries, the patented Penalty Wobbles App. With a simple click of a button you would guarantee to make a penalty taker fluff his shot, or if you upgrade to Penalty Wobbles Deluxe App (for a mere £0.79 extra), you can make Christiano Ronaldo kick his own face.

So before we leave you to go and take another thin and crispy out of the oven and watch the delights of Countdown, there is time for one final app. It is, of course, Olympics related given that our mighty nation will be hosting the finest sports people across the world this summer.

We all want to be in good shape physically ourselves but few of us have the time or inclination to do sprints, squats or star jumps every ten minutes. The dream ticket therefore is the Fat Attack App. Simply activate the app at your convenience and wave the phone like a wand over the.. ahem.. less than toned areas. As if by magic the fat will be banished, leaving muscles on display that you haven’t been seen since you were 16.

Appy Days… 


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