Published On: Thu, May 31st, 2012

Jubilee Telly Addict …Royalty Reality

As we celebrate the Queen’s reign with a nostalgic street party (cucumber sandwiches, washed down with a Pimms or cool drink of dandelion and burdock), the television may lay dormant in the lounge. But has there been a missed opportunity for the creation of a cult reality TV classic?

TWO DAPPER GENTS. One chesterfield sofa. And a shared penchant for ruby red English ales, the odd packet of pork scratchings and the finest slice of Neapolitan pizza.

So pull up a chair, pour yourself a tall drink and let’s share the often indecipherable musings of the modern man.
Jubilee TV
We have to admit that Her Majesty’s Jubilee celebrations have filled neither of us with jubilation. But before you cast judgement, we would like to swiftly add that we are staunch patriots and our misgivings are due solely to the fact that we both managed to put our backs out manoeuvring the chesterfield for the grand Jubilee garden party we’ve been planning.
Several anti-inflammatorys and a bottle of Rampton’s Jubilee Ale later and we have been forced by the quack to rest up to make sure of an expedient recovery, taking in plenty of daytime television and ‘medicinal’ ales. Yesterday, with an uneventful array of tired repeats on the box, saw our minds full of Royal fervour wandering back to arguably the pinnacle of television history, namely ‘It’s a Royal Knockout’.
As we crunched through a delicious pork pie and a packet of the finest gourmet pork scratchings (one should never mix meats after all), the question we began to wonder was what similar show could (or should) the Royals have participated in to celebrate the Diamond Jubilee?
Given the modern fascination for all things reality, we narrowed it down to five mouth watering possibilities.

First up, is I’m a Royal… Get Me Out Of Here!
Now of course we all know that a more exacting title for the popular show would be ‘I Was a Marginal Celebrity Once (and Quite Frankly Would Lick a Tramp for Publicity Nowadays)… So Get Me In There!’.
So in similar vein ‘I’m a Royal’ would involve Her Majesty’s lesser known relations attempting to raise their profile through a series of tests and endurances. Leaving all their privileges behind in exchange for a dirty, rodent infested backwater (Birmingham perhaps), they would vie for the public’s affections and be forced to eat strange and exotic food-stuffs never considered edible before, such as kebabs and economy fried chicken meal deals.

Royal Big Brother
Then of course there would be Royal Big Brother. Set in one of the Royal residencies and hosted by Davina instead of the frankly ingratiating Brian, it could feature all of the big Royal names. As ever, the contestants would be voted off one by one as the family gets dressed up in silly inappropriate fancy dress and the normally harmonious Royal relationships are pushed to breaking point, when the weekly food budget task is failed and a butler is no longer present.

Windsor’s Got Talent
Or how about Windsor’s Got Talent? The nation can witness the hidden talents only ever seen within the private chambers of Buck House after a Claret soaked Christmas lunch. Who wouldn’t like to see Prince Charles rendition of Dizzy Rascal’s Bonkers whilst Prince Philips busts out his own unique interpretation of urban street dance?
Of course we would have to let Liz win, it is her party after all, and who could resist the charms of a bipedal Corgi, complete with one diamanté clad paw, shuffling about on stage to the tune of Michael Jackson’s Beat It?

Come Dine With One
And before we sign off we must leave you with the last two options – Come Dine With One, once again following the popular format with votes being awarded for the best kitchen personnel and waiting staff, and The Royal Apprentice with Sir Lord Alan Amstrad giving William a dressing down with a stern “I told you to go out there and pick a bride that was a PR dream to help sell the Royal brand… and you picked the wrong bloody sister!”.
An opportunity missed.
Ah well, who wants to watch television anyway when it’s the Jubilee weekend? With the chesterfield sited al fresco, the Pimms on ice and the bunting lapping gently in the breeze, our minds will be on celebration not television.
We’re sure you will be out there lapping up the sun too, so have fun.

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